Friday evening..."MK, Open your eyes, hello", I heard a low voice calling me. When I opened my eyes, I saw an old fair man with white hair and thick moustache standing infront of me, smiling, and a lady in white saree near to him.
'Where am I , Who is this person infront of me?' I looked around the room and saw my mother standing in the corner of the room, Is she crying?
Suddenly the echo of those words came to my mind,
'Get lost you bitch....'I started crying, crying out loud....
"What happened to you dear, Why are you crying?" The old man tried to console me, but failed.
"Whatever it is tell me, we will find solution" I looked at him for an instant.
'No, no one can find solution, I am alone and I will suffer this alone, I dont want to talk to anyone, Go away'. I wished to tell him this. But I just stared at him, speechless. Now the loud cry ends in weeping. He snared at me, trying to read my mind. I kept my expression blank.
"Ok, you take rest, we will talk later". Then he said something to the lady near to him and went out of the room. Silently she turned to me and gave some medicinal injection. Oh...she is a Godess! I feel relaxed.
Few days back...Tuesday...My conscience reaproached me, and I yearned to say something kind and loving. So I decided to call him in the night. Goodness, he answered my call and asked restlessly. "What happened now?"
"I am sorry for everything, I know am chasing you like hell, please forgive me". I confessed.
"Hmmm, thats fine" He gave me a plain reply.
"Its too early for me to stop talking to you, I wish I could talk to you atleast as a friend or collegue. I am so depressed and literally feel to die".
"Ok, go and die then, thats better". He disconnected the call. I was shocked.
Wednesday...Next day I called him or he called me (I dont remember exactly). I asked, "So you dont have any problem if something bad happened to me, right? "Whatever happens, please dont let me know anything about you and stop calling me". Again the same demand. "You just stop thinking too much and delete my number. Give me a break." He continued.
"Hmmm....dont you have anything else to say?" I stopped him.
"Nothing now, I am busy, Bye" He didnt wait for me to answer.
I lost my temper for a moment and decided to throw myself upon him. The next moment I called him. "You want me to die, right?, Fine, I will show you then". This time I didnt wait for his reply.
Exactly after 10 minutes, he called me back. I rejected his call with no regrets. I sent him a mail, critisizing his words and deeds. He called me in the evening, I know its to verify whether am fine or not. This time I couldn't attend his call as I had some visitors at my home. I waited for his call in the night, but least bothered to call him back.
Thursday...He is tensed, I know that. When I got up in the morning I sent a message to ensure him that am still alive. Time passed, he called me in the midnight when I was asleep. He was completely drunk. "I am regretting that I wasted my time with you, loving you". I heard the vague note.
"What?"
"Yes, you bitch, you stand no where to say anything about me. So be careful when you sent mail or message to me".
"So, thats your problem, I critisized you, right? You said so many bad words about me and my family, don't you remember?". I decided to screw him this time.
"You deserve that, bloody........, You are a mistake in my life, I wasted my life with you". His voice was trembling with anger.
"Ok, I wont be a burden for you anymore, You live happy" I replied.
"Get lost you bitch, you will sleep with anyone..." Thats it. I disconnected the call.
Friday morning..."Get lost you bitch, you will sleep with anyone...." My mind was troubled with those words. Am I losing my consciousness??? Let's call him up. "Hello dear, how are you?" I asked.
"You said that you dont love me now, then who else will love me, can you ask some of your friends to love me?" I continued. "I am a bitch right, so no one will love me...no one will love me I know, I am just a sex machine, isn't it?". I laughed.
"I was drunk yesterday, thats why I told you all those words, I didnt mean it". He answered in a low voice.
"I am not a bitch...please dont say that, am not a call girl...I loved you and..." I cried aloud and couldn't complete my words.
That was beyond the limits. Am I falling in the world of depression? I found my life as a reflection in the water. I pictured myself sinking in the river, dead, with my corpse all wet, and my sore heart at rest. Slowly I closed my eyes. Yes, I'm losing my conciousness now.
Friday night...At half past eight, when I opened my eyes, my mother was sitting near to my bed in the hospital room, looking pale. "What happened to you? Why you are silent?, Tell me". I refused to answer her.
This is really despair. I dont want to talk to anyone. 'Please leave me alone', I wished to shout. But I was dismally still. I could feel my body temperature raising. I heard my mother crying, but kept my expression blank.
"Get up now and have this food", It was my aunt carrying food for me.
"I dont want anything to eat". "Why?" She asked. "I am not hungry, I want to sleep", I said in a whisper. "Take this medicine and sleep dear, you have high temperature".
I took the medicine she gave and closed my eyes, but couldn't sleep. I lay still. I couldn't control my tears. I am never going to escape from his memories. Its going to kill me one day. I was in an agony. At last I was satisfied that, time had ceased and eternity begun; I began to doze.
Saturday...Everyone has the same question, 'What happened to you?'. And silence was my only answer. I didnt wish to open my mouth. A faint wind moaned through my eyes and I feared it might be the spirits of the dead. I found the protection of three great elms that grew in a bunch within a few feet of the grave.
Know what I need? To tell somebody what's going on, to share.
May be not tell everything, this totally strange period of my life, this wilding. I was thinking about our togetherness; laugh, fight, shy, first outing, first touch.......I am getting mad, Oh God !!! I stopped myself from crying, eventhough I wanted to. I didnt have a right, did I? If anything, I'd brought this on myself. I found the old man, the doctor, coming to my room. "Hello, how are you now?" he asked. I smiled, with nothing to say. He put a tentative hand on my forearm, "Hmmm....good, forget everything and relaxed".
A few questions flew.
"Are you fine?" No.
"Did you fight with anyone?" Yes.
"What makes you feel so tensed?" I am alone now.
"What are you always thinking about?" I am thinking about the good old days with him.
Those answers were in my mind, but I couldn't speak out. I stayed calm looking at his face with no emotions and suddenly he knew this had been a very bad idea. He turned to my aunt and said "Nothing to worry, some tension, she has fever also, so wait for 2 days".
Sunday...I tried hard to make others feel that I am better.
Monday...
When the doctor came in, I gave him a warm smile and said "Doctor, I want to go home, I am fine now, let me go home please". 'I am not fine, but I dont want to make my mom so tensed'. He smiled at me and said, "No problem. You can go home anytime, but make sure that you will take proper food and rest. Dont think too much, give some rest to your brain also, ok" he laughed.
Now am back to home. I entered my room and lay down in the bed, thinking. 'Get lost you......' I stopped myself and opened my eyes. Lets do something else to distract my thoughts. Suddenly my mom came in and called for lunch. I had food with others and came back to my room. Sametime my friend 'Ms.R' called me. "Hey how are you, no calls from you, I called you several times on friday night but you didnt pick the call, what happened?" She asked. "Nothing, my mobile was with someone else, I cant talk now. Talk to you later, Bye". I disconnected. I dont want to talk anyone. Am I trying to run away from everyone, from my life? Yes, I wish that.
